@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
You Might Also Like
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks