There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
He just like my cat fr
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.