But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
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People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”