I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
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A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I’m sure it’s fine.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.