Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
You Might Also Like
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Monday
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.