Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Does beer think about me too?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Oops
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.