My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
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You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Seas the day!!!!
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Who’s your best friend?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.