Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
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My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us