inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
You Might Also Like
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
This is hilarious….
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.