My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
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one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Room with a view.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”