[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.