Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately