My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
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When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.