Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
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Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers