If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
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Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.