Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
A ghost story
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Me too
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.