The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
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being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
PLOT TWIST:
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.