A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
You Might Also Like
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo