my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
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Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!