At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
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you will never know the true number of layers
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”