My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
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[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
This makes total sense…
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.