There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
You Might Also Like
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.