priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
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Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I identify as an antique shop.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
lumberjacks will cut a birch