Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
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If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
It’s the weekend y’all
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.