Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Mood.. 😂
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
*bites zombie*