When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
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God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
🤣😂🤣
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
peak technology
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.