I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
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To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.