*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
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Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.