cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
still the best tweet of the year by far
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..