boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Me driving through Toronto
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing