My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
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horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”