To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
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👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”