Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
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My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
December birthdays be like…
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
felt that
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.