Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.