[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
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I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ