Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
You Might Also Like
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?