99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
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there’s probably a fee though
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My birth announcement for our third baby
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
i really liked this one
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?