**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
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*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
english majors be like furthermore
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
this is so top tier i cant