Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
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Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Uh oh…
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!