“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
White parent Vs Arab parents
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”