The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
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Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I only say stupid things when I talk.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything