I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
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me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.