I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
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[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
when you don’t want to be too vague
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco