[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what