i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
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First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.