*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
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What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
are they though??
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.