[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
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Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
New comic up. “Ransom”
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
what are they serving at kfc then???
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.