You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
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Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing