power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
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I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.