Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
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A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America